Summer Breaking Point

Hi there!

After five months of neglecting this blog, I figured it was time to post something new. Rest assured, dear reader: my absence is not a sign of sloth. Rather, I've been running around like the proverbial chicken with its head cut off. The reason for this post? I've finally reached my breaking point.

Ah, break. It's such an interesting word. As a teacher, I am currently on summer break. But is that "break" as in "vacation," or "break" as in "to smash violently; to reduce to pieces"?

Good question. I'll let you know when I have an answer.

Here it is, only July 9th, and I already feel like summer has slipped through my fingers. All told, I've got ten glorious weeks to myself. But two of those will be devoted to teacher training. And I have tons of planning to do for next year.

That's right. I've got my dream schedule for the '09-10 school year. But with great opportunity comes great obligation: I've got tons of planning to do. Don't get me wrong: I'm really excited about next year. But I've been working every day and I still feel behind the eight ball. That closet picture? Yeah, those are the materials I brought home for summer review and revision.

And that's just the teaching job! Most of you know that I have a second ambition: to be a published novelist. Well, technically it's an ambition. At this point, I'm wondering if it's really just a pipe dream. I never seem to find time to write. I don't know whether that's because I'm lazy, busy, or scared. Maybe I just don't want to do this anymore, and I haven't admitted it to myself yet. Though I haven't been writing much, I have created an Excel spreadsheet to track all aspects of my non-progress. According to Excel, at my current rate of progress I won't finish my manuscript until March 18, 2010. Yes, I am an anal-retentive freak show: I've found a way to make computers criticize my snail's pace of composition.

So, we get to the crux of my breaking point: I want to hone better discipline as a writer. I want to feel further ahead in my planning for next school year. And I want, at some point, to relax. But I really don't think I have time to accomplish all of those goals, and I don't know how to pick and choose between them.

And oh, yeah. Minor detail: I'm a wife now. I hate the fact that this salient point comes at the end of the post. I don't want my marriage to be an afterthought. I don't want to hit my one-year anniversary (coming up soon!) and wonder why I wasted my entire honeymoon phase on lesson planning and creative angst. This is my summer break. I want to date my husband. I want to woo him with wonderful dinners and walks in Priest Point Park. I don't want him staring at the back of my head every night, wondering why I'm still busy writing vocabulary quizzes even though school's not in session.

When does it end? Better question: how do I admit that it never ends, so at some point I just have to take a break and/or stop?

How do women do it? How do we balance day jobs against personal relationships? When do we find time for our own individual dreams?

I've got a few weeks off from the daily grind, and I'm hoping to find a bit of peace. If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it.

Auld Lang Syne

During my adolescence I thought it quite profound to discuss the question, "If you found out that you were going to die, who would you call? What would you say? And why are you waiting?" At the time, my answers (not surprisingly) always involved confronting the object of my latest heartbreak and/or secret crush. He would, of course, be moved to tears by my eminent demise and tragic love scenes would ensue.

Then I moved out on my own, and I was a bit too busy paying for electricity to worry myself with such matters. But now I have a husband, a house, and (gasp) steady access to health care. This is all wonderful. But I've discovered that with great security comes great complacency.

Don't get me wrong. I love my life. I love my husband. And I'm no longer gaining perverse satisfaction from imagining dire deathbed scenes. But it recently occurred to me that we've put off having kids specifically so that we can experience certain things and accomplish certain goals before we put our energy into parenthood. Sounds smart, right? And maybe it would be, if we didn't spend so much of our time (a) engrossed in the banality of everyday tasks or (b) whining about our lack of energy and lazing about the house.

So this year, I'm not making a virtuous new year's resolution. I'm not going to try to exercise more, or lose weight, or (heaven forfend) quit whining about things that annoy me. Instead, my resolution is to quit waiting. Quit waiting for the perfect circumstances. Quit plodding away at the daily to-do list and instead start crossing off things on a list I actually care about. Here are the top five things I'll quit waiting to do:

(1) Travel more. Mike and I want to take interesting vacations, but he keeps saying that we don't have the time or the money. To break us out of that mindset, I'm determined to orchestrate four mini-breaks to local destinations (one mini-break per season). In winter 2009, we will take the train to Portland, OR for two nights at the Benson Hotel. I've already made reservations!

(2) Spend more time with family. My grandmothers are getting older and my nephews and nieces are growing fast! Why guilt-trip over our lack of contact when I could reinvest that time in actual visits?

(3) Take classes. As a Christmas gift, Mike signed me up for an online writing class with Patricia Kay. I'm so excited! I'd also love to study some non-writing things. At some point (I don't know if it will be 2009), I would like to take Latin again.

(4) Finish Revising Mr. Right and submit it to at least four agents. This one's self-explanatory!

(5) Read five non-romance novels. (Aside from Water for Elephants, which many people have recommended to me, these are all books that I've started before and long to finish.)

• Dracula (Bram Stoker)
• Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
• Water for Elephants (Sara Gruen)
  
• Freedom from Fear: The American People in Depression and War, 1929-1945 (David Kennedy)
  
• King Leopold's Ghost: A Story of Greed, Terror, and Heroism in Colonial Africa (Adam Hochschild)
  

Whew! This turned out to be quite a long post (to say nothing for a long list). I'll wrap up with that most interesting of questions: what is your new year's resolution? Best wishes to you in 2009!

Deep Thoughts at 3AM

For your Transcendentalist pondering tonight, a quote from Henry David Thoreau's Walden: "Our life is frittered away by detail. An honest man has hardly need to count more than his ten fingers, or in extreme cases he may add his ten toes, and lump the rest. Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity! I say, let your affairs be as two or three, and not a hundred or a thousand; instead of a million count half a dozen, and keep your accounts on your thumb nail."

I ran across this quote in my mad scramble to amass curriculum for 2008-2009. (I know, I know--it's only June. But these things have a way of sneaking up on me, so I'm trying to be proactive.) The quote struck me as particularly fitting for this point in my life. It's a very special summer: I'm getting married to an absolutely wonderful man. I can't wait to get started on this next phase of my life; sharing the daily joys and sorrows with my best friend... who, after four years of dating, can still make me tingle whenever he smiles at me. How lucky am I? (Very lucky--yes, I know!)

And yet, sometimes I forget to prioritize my relationship. Sometimes, the wonder and frustration of love gets pushed aside by laundry and grocery shopping. I can't focus on the important things, because I'm too busy defrosting dinner and obsessing about work drama.

So how do I change? I want to enjoy my life. I don't want to "fritter away" this amazing summer worrying about things I can't control... or working on things I don't really care about. So, how does a high-strung perfectionist with a long to-do list learn to take a breath and enjoy the little things? How does she learn to let go of all the needless minutiae?

I have no idea, but it's my goal to find out.