Summer Breaking Point

Hi there!

After five months of neglecting this blog, I figured it was time to post something new. Rest assured, dear reader: my absence is not a sign of sloth. Rather, I've been running around like the proverbial chicken with its head cut off. The reason for this post? I've finally reached my breaking point.

Ah, break. It's such an interesting word. As a teacher, I am currently on summer break. But is that "break" as in "vacation," or "break" as in "to smash violently; to reduce to pieces"?

Good question. I'll let you know when I have an answer.

Here it is, only July 9th, and I already feel like summer has slipped through my fingers. All told, I've got ten glorious weeks to myself. But two of those will be devoted to teacher training. And I have tons of planning to do for next year.

That's right. I've got my dream schedule for the '09-10 school year. But with great opportunity comes great obligation: I've got tons of planning to do. Don't get me wrong: I'm really excited about next year. But I've been working every day and I still feel behind the eight ball. That closet picture? Yeah, those are the materials I brought home for summer review and revision.

And that's just the teaching job! Most of you know that I have a second ambition: to be a published novelist. Well, technically it's an ambition. At this point, I'm wondering if it's really just a pipe dream. I never seem to find time to write. I don't know whether that's because I'm lazy, busy, or scared. Maybe I just don't want to do this anymore, and I haven't admitted it to myself yet. Though I haven't been writing much, I have created an Excel spreadsheet to track all aspects of my non-progress. According to Excel, at my current rate of progress I won't finish my manuscript until March 18, 2010. Yes, I am an anal-retentive freak show: I've found a way to make computers criticize my snail's pace of composition.

So, we get to the crux of my breaking point: I want to hone better discipline as a writer. I want to feel further ahead in my planning for next school year. And I want, at some point, to relax. But I really don't think I have time to accomplish all of those goals, and I don't know how to pick and choose between them.

And oh, yeah. Minor detail: I'm a wife now. I hate the fact that this salient point comes at the end of the post. I don't want my marriage to be an afterthought. I don't want to hit my one-year anniversary (coming up soon!) and wonder why I wasted my entire honeymoon phase on lesson planning and creative angst. This is my summer break. I want to date my husband. I want to woo him with wonderful dinners and walks in Priest Point Park. I don't want him staring at the back of my head every night, wondering why I'm still busy writing vocabulary quizzes even though school's not in session.

When does it end? Better question: how do I admit that it never ends, so at some point I just have to take a break and/or stop?

How do women do it? How do we balance day jobs against personal relationships? When do we find time for our own individual dreams?

I've got a few weeks off from the daily grind, and I'm hoping to find a bit of peace. If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it.